Philippa Richardson, ex-lawyer, divorcee and Founder of The Circle Line, explores the process of divorce from a psychological perspective.

Never has a subject been so written about, sung about, filmed, drawn and discussed.

Opinions abound on what is a good relationship, what is a bad one, when to stay and when to leave. Separation is one of the most intense changes we can go through. Yet every separation is an entirely personal experience – and so very difficult to make generalised comments or give advice. Everyone views and handles their separation differently.

What every separation has in common though, whatever the form and whether amicable or not – is that it brings up “stuff”. Psychological “stuff”. Our stuff. Their stuff. The untangling of two lives – and of two minds, bodies, souls (if you once had that connection) – it’s the whole gamut. It’s no wonder we may avoid it, or put it off.

As you navigate the emotions, here are some key points that might help…

1. Emotions are normal and transient

A separation is a loss. There is a very natural process attached to loss. You will experience “feelings” like guilt, confusion, humiliation – but these are thoughts, beliefs, judgements, rather than emotions. In this complex process, it helps to know there are only four core emotions:

1. Fear
2. Anger
3. Sadness
4. Happiness (yes, gulp, there may well be some positivity in the mix – hope, relief, optimism).

You will experience them all, though not necessarily in that order, and most likely not in any sort of nice orderly fashion at all. The emotions descend and hang persistently like fog or flash into us like lightening.

But eventually, they do all pass.

2. A relationship is a dynamic

There are always two parts – and it is not all your fault.

Or theirs…

A separation is always a thing of two halves. Whether your role in the relationship (and therefore very likely in the parting too) is an active or passive one, a compliant one or an all-guns-blazing one – both parties play a part.

For a relationship, and a separation, is a dynamic. It’s like a see-saw: it cannot exist and function, or dysfunction, without someone sitting on both ends.

That’s why trying to lay blame at one person’s feet is fruitless.

3. Power is at play

We all have personal power. This applies in every relationship and every separation – regardless of who makes the final decision.

Power is not control. That is a key misconception. We cannot control others. We cannot control what they think, feel or how they behave. It is impossible.

This means we cannot control a separation as there are two elements (you and your ex) and we can only control one of them (ourselves). At times of stress people sometimes abuse their power (paradoxically this is often because they feel powerless) and try to control the situation, rather than being honest, straight-forward and solving the problem.

Power-plays rarely achieve the desired result in a separation. The result instead is usually for one person to resort to the power of the court – with all the attendant stress and delay. Honesty with ourselves and our ex is the only constructive way through.

4. There are reasons

One thing is true in every separation – there are reasons for it. On both sides. If you are the one being left, you may have to dig deep to find them – but if you want to find them, you will.

You have your experiences of and perspective on the relationship and your partner will have theirs – whoever makes the final decision. Often our reasons, as well as the way we separate, reflect our usual personality and way of relating and living, just at their most intense.

Try writing down the reasons – your reasons to stay together or to part, and what you understand or imagine your partner’s reasons to be. You may see how different they are, but also start to reflect on each other’s perspectives.

5. There are practical things that help

1. Look after your body – chemicals, sleep and food are key. Limit the alcohol and drugs. Sleep as much as you need. Walk, run or swim. Eat good nutritional food.
2. Get some practical support – there will be boxes to shift, perhaps a new home to find, legalities and finances in a divorce. Consider joint advice from a shared lawyer or financial adviser, avoiding an adversarial process and focusing, impartially and together, on fair financial and legal outcomes for you both.
3. Get some emotional support – friends, family, networks and clubs.
4. Find a therapist – when the time is right, there will be a lot to process and a lot to learn from a separation. There may well be patterns you’ve repeated in your relationships and how you relate – and by understanding what went wrong we have more understanding for the next time.

As the luminous Nancy Friday said: “Separation is not the end of love; it creates love.”

The Circle Line offers flexible online therapy with highly trained professionals for £49 a session.

Author Name: Philippa Richardson

Philippa Richardson is an ex-City lawyer, divorcee, psychotherapist in training and Founder of The Circle Line. Her original degree was in psychology before she specialised in Transactional Analysis (an internationally established model of psychotherapy) after her own divorce.

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