6 Tips To Help Your Child When You Are Going Through A Divorce
Dealing with divorce is a difficult time for everyone, but when children are involved, there is the additional burden of managing your children through the process too.
However, if you handle the situation correctly, the impact of your divorce on your children can be limited and, in many ways, turned into a positive so that both you and your partner can enjoy happy, loving relationships with them into the future, and a better co-parenting relationship.
Here are our top tips to help your child, and support each other as co-parents, through a divorce:
1. Don’t keep your children in the dark
Once you know that your plans to divorce are certain, find time to talk to your children about your decision. It’s best if they find out the news from you directly and not from someone else. It’s also best (if possible) to have both parents present when you have the conversation with your children. This may seem like a big ask, but it will make a huge difference to the way your children perceive the divorce.
While it’s unlikely to be an easy conversation, you can make it better for everyone if you do a little planning ahead of time. Think about what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it. Prepare a script if that helps. Consider any difficult questions they might ask and come up with some appropriate answers. Above all, put on a unified front. Whatever is going on with you as adults, you remain co-parents.
2. Avoid the blame game
A divorce is an emotional experience and feelings of anger and guilt are likely to be high. But regardless of your individual perceptions of ‘fault’ and the underlying reasons why you’re separating, try to avoid playing the blame game in front of your children. If you need to vent, find an outlet away from your children to do it (a close friend or divorce coach can be brilliant). If you develop a clear boundary from day one not to discuss the divorce or the other co-parent negatively in front of your children, it will become a brilliant habit to protect them through the divorce and beyond.
A unified position, which sees you both in agreement, is the best approach. Again, plan what you’ll say together in advance and have answers ready for your children’s most likely questions.
3. Provide reassurance and support
What your children need more than anything right now is support and they’ll look to you to provide it. That’s because children often feel as though they are to blame for their parents splitting up. As a result, your words, actions and love are crucial throughout the entire process, particularly at the start.
Explain that while things are going to be different, you’ll work everything out for the best.
One area where your children will need reassurance and support in particular is how their relationships with you both will be after the divorce is finalised. It’s important to explain that while living arrangements are likely to change, they can continue to have healthy, loving relationships with both of you going forward. The key message is that you remain a family.
4. Help your children express their feelings
Many children often have difficulty expressing how they’re really feeling and this is especially true when faced with life-changing events like a divorce. That’s why it’s important to help them put their feelings into words.
Try to help them express their feelings by encouraging honesty and being a good listener. Your children are more likely to open up if they know you are really listening to them and are interested in what they are saying.
Just remember that your children might say things that upset you, so try to be as emotionally prepared as possible before you ask them how they are feeling. Equally, prepare for the fact that they may not want to talk about the divorce. If you can achieve a situation where the biggest thing going on in your children’s lives is NOT the divorce, that’s great.
5. Offer stability and consistency
Most children feel safer and calmer when they know what to expect. Routines and consistency, which provide stability and structure, can help children cope with big changes.
So, if living arrangements are going to be different in the near future (which is likely) try to keep some consistency by adopting routines wherever possible. For example, regardless of whose house they are at, if your children know that dinner is followed by some homework time, then a bath/shower before bed, they will feel more comfortable with the new arrangements.
6. Limit arguments
Finally, there are inevitably going to be times during your divorce proceedings where you and your partner argue. While occasional conflict is to be expected, don’t let it become the norm, especially when your kids are present or in earshot. Shouting and arguing makes children feel worried and sad. It also sets a bad example for them, which can lead to their own behaviour changing for the worse. For many divorcing couples, the last few months of the marriage mark the peak of arguments, and you can see divorce as a chance to find space away from each other and start a better and healthier co-parenting relationship.
Remember, while divorce isn’t necessarily an easy time for anyone involved, if handled right, the impact on your children can turn what appears to be a negative situation into a truly positive one.
If you have more questions about this topic or any other legal issues arising on divorce or separation, please do get in touch as we are always happy to help.
We have developed a bespoke service to help co-parents navigate divorce called Living Apart Parenting Together. You can call us on 0203 488 4475 or email contact@thedivorcesurgery.co.
Author Name: Editor
Published content by The Divorce Surgery Editorial Team.
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