Breaking The Stigma: The Art Of Untying The Knot
Separating, or contemplating divorce, can feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. But know this: it is going to be OK. In fact, it is going to be better than OK, and sooner than you think.
In this blog our co-founders, Harry Gates and Samantha Woodham, discuss our new book The Divorce Surgery: The Art of Untying the Knot and three of the most crucial aspects of achieving a better divorce.
- Divorce is not failure
- How you divorce is your choice
- Divorce is reshaping, not breaking, your family
Divorce is not failure
This is a huge issue for so many of the couples we see. The idea that the fact of their marriage ending is in itself a failure, that friends of theirs who don’t get divorced somehow succeeded in a way they didn’t, or will be happier, or have a better life.
But that assumption is so damaging. And we think it’s wrong. Many relationships are great for years, and then you change, life events happen, and the relationship which once brought you so much joy makes you deeply miserable. The fact that the relationship has run its course doesn’t mean it wasn’t once great. It doesn’t mean that those years were wasted- far from it- many of those years were hopefully really happy. But now it’s time for you to explore new adventures apart. And that’s OK. This could well be the start of an exciting chapter, your best yet.
For those couples who stay married for decades- if they’re happy, then that’s wonderful. Their personalities have evolved as they’ve aged in ways which complement each other. But the fact of their marriage continuing is not, of itself, a success. That comes from a fulfilling, joyful life. And we all have to navigate a different path to get there. So know that your life can be a first rate success, whether divorce forms part of it or not.
How you divorce is your choice
This is your divorce. And there is no ‘one size fits all’. You know, better than anyone else, the things which worry you the most. Maybe it’s navigating the emotional side, maybe it’s the arrangements for your children, maybe it’s better understanding your financial position and what life after divorce might look like. All these issues can and should be navigated, and for most couples are better dealt with before you speak to a lawyer or engage in mediation.
One of the best ways to navigate divorce well is to keep control of your divorce. Don’t delegate it to someone else. The divorces we see which have really spiralled out of control are ones where the two people involved have, in effect, become passengers in the divorce litigation. If you can possibly help it, don’t let that happen. Get help at an early stage from a range of professionals (and none of this needs to break the bank, just a couple of sessions will often do the trick). That way, by the time you start to take legal advice you’ll be in the right frame of mind, and be able to identify the areas on which you do (and don’t) need help.
You can budget for everything else in life, there is no reason at all why you can’t also budget for divorce, and together keep hold of the reins.
Divorce is reshaping, not breaking, your family
If you break something it can be repaired, but it will never be ‘perfect’ again. Which is why the term ‘broken family’ is so damaging to separating couples and their children. It implies that a divorce will send a fissure through their family structure which will never be repaired, and that their lives would have been better, more ‘perfect’ if they hadn’t separated.
But that just isn’t right. If a couple are deeply unhappy together, their family unit can be healthier, and stronger, if they live apart. And you don’t stop being a parent when you get divorced. In fact, divorce can be an opportunity to redefine your role in your children’s lives, and forge stronger bonds.
When we talk about divorce, and what it does to children, we need to confine the term ‘broken family’, and all the stigma associated with it, to the history books. What happens to a family on divorce is that it is re-shaped. You’re still a family, always. Approached in this way you can use divorce as an opportunity to shape your family in a way which works for you both and your children.
If you have more questions about this topic or any other legal issues arising on divorce or separation, please do get in touch as we are always happy to help. You can call us on 0203 488 4475 or email contact@thedivorcesurgery.co.
Author Name: Editor
Published content by The Divorce Surgery Editorial Team.
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