How To Divorce Better To Establish A Successful Co-parenting & Family Dynamic Going Forward
We have all heard the horror stories of a bad divorce – the battle, betrayal, pain, blame and shame; the parents who can’t be in the same room as one another for years afterwards; the friends that choose sides. Society tells us that divorce is painful, traumatic, stressful and expensive. But what if there is another way, what if a divorce was respectful, fair and allows for families to thrive afterwards. Here are some of the steps you can take which will take you on this journey.
1. You have not failed
None of us set out to get divorced, we commit to marriage and believe when we marry that we know our partner and expect to both be the same as we are today in 10, 20, 30 years from now. But during that time, we continue to change and grow as individuals and can grow apart particularly as we are now living a lot longer. Identifying and accepting this, and that it’s no one’s fault, allows for further growth, and for you to both respectfully move on as individuals without blame.
2. Divorce done well is not damaging – an unhappy marriage is
It’s true we are all products of our environment. As children, we learn by mimicking, we develop our beliefs, habits and behaviours in our sub-conscious that will dictate our outcomes for the rest of our lives – the majority of which come from our parents. It is crucial, therefore, that as parents we create the best environment possible for our children that will empower them as adults to create their own healthy relationships and success. An unhappy marriage does not provide that, but a divorce done well will.
3. We get what we expect
Our expectation determines what we focus on and frames our perspective. If you go into a situation expecting a battle you will mentally and physically put yourself in survival mode. The physical and mental demands of survival mode are too much to sustain – on a physical level your blood is drained from your brain to flood your arms and legs with oxygen ready to fight. This leaves little energy for you to function as a human being, let alone as a parent handling the emotions of your divorce. However, expecting to be treated fairly by each other and your chosen legal counsel gives you the best chance to make good decisions and build a positive future. For instance, if you can both agree to use the same lawyer you can guarantee you are both treated the same.
4. Preserving your best asset
Our minds are our best asset. Our mental faculties are phenomenally powerful and shape our lives on a daily basis. We have the mental capacity to control our thoughts, reprogramme our beliefs and change our outcomes. The problem is most of us are not aware of how to do this on any given day, let alone in a stressful situation. Taking care of your own mindset and emotional wellbeing is paramount to your ability to effectively parent and navigate your divorce. With every divorce, there is a period of adjustment that should not be underestimated. Having the emotional and mental support to approach this will help you lay the foundations for a strong family dynamic going forward.
5. Legacy of your marriage
Nothing builds success like succeeding. Often the ending of the marriage casts a shadow over what has gone before. For most of us, we will have created happy memories, grown as people and created amazing human beings that we would not be without. Your marriage is not something to regret but rather something to look back on fondly. Acknowledging your successes, being proud of what you achieved, will help you move on with your life.
6. You are still a family just a different shape
Society would have us believe that divorce is the end. That is not the case especially for those with children. You are still very much a family – just reshaped. Our ability to adjust is one of our greatest assets as human beings and the reason we are not extinct. Establishing a healthy co-parenting relationship where you can both enjoy the highs, and support one another in the lows, is vital for your family’s success because whether you like it or not there will be times when you will need the support of your co-parent to deal with situations that naturally arise when raising children. There will also be joyous family occasions you will both want to share that will connect you emotionally.
7. Don’t make the same mistakes
Divorce will leave an emotional imprint on our subconscious mind also known as our emotional mind. This subconscious is where the conditioning from childhood and our long-buried unresolved issues reside. Because most of these old wounds are unconscious to us, we’re subconsciously driven to resolve them. If we do not deal with these and the added emotions of our divorce, we can end up experiencing the same issue that’s followed us through our previous relationships. Recognising this and having the right support to emotionally heal is vital so you can set out on a new path.
8. Moving on with someone new
It may be hard to imagine it now, but at some point, you are both going to want to move on with your life with new people, perhaps even remarry and/or have more children. Our children’s acceptance of our new partner and a smooth transition into your family is greatly increased with your co-parent’s support and vice versa. Having an effective co-parenting relationship is the only way to ensure this and not undermine your future relationships.
If you follow these steps you will stand yourself in good stead to have long-lasting and happy relationships for all concerned. And with the divorce rates increasing year on year, it’s essential to get this right and rewrite the narrative that divorce is bad. A successful divorce can be the best thing for some families when done together, fairly and with the right support. You will realise it is an evolution not an ending, and one where families will end up being stronger, happier, and more resilient as a result.
If you have more questions about this topic or any other legal issues arising on divorce or separation, please do get in touch as we are always happy to help. You can call us on 0203 488 4475 or email contact@thedivorcesurgery.co.
Author Name: Nichole Farrow
Nichole Farrow is one of the UK’s leading mindset coaches specialising in divorce and family dynamics, as featured on BBC Radio 5 Live. Nichole works with divorcing parents to remove conflict so they can grow as individuals whilst successfully co-parenting and learning how to thrive as a blended family.
For more visit NicholeFarrow.com
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