How To Get Through A Divorce Amicably: 4 Top Tips
Many couples (wrongly) believe that getting divorced has to be a long, emotional, costly affair. But the reality is that divorce can often be progressed amicably, swiftly and positively, for the benefit of all parties involved, including children.
Here are our top tips on how to get through a divorce amicably.
1. Speed up your amicable divorce by not rushing
First and foremost, an amicable divorce is best progressed by preparing the ground properly, rather than racing ahead. While that might sound counterintuitive, the logic lies in the fact that you and your partner are likely to be at different emotional stages in the process.
It is rare for two people to come to the realisation at precisely the same time that they want to divorce. Chances are one of them has been thinking about separating for a while. As a result, that person will be further along the process of coming to terms with the reality of separating. Their partner, however — especially if divorce or separation hasn’t been previously discussed — may well have a lot of adjusting to do. They are likely to feel shocked, sad or angry – or all three.
So be realistic. Seek to progress at a speed you can both handle. If you insist on rushing, your partner will likely push back, which can put the brakes on the whole process.
2. You don’t immediately need solicitors
If your safety is at risk, or if you have genuine concerns that family assets are being squandered or hidden, or if your case has jurisdictional complexities then you should seek legal advice right away. For almost everyone else, there is no rush.
The bottom line is solicitors cost money and once you’ve engaged one, you’ll likely rely on them throughout the rest of the proceedings until the divorce is concluded. Furthermore, solicitors’ duty is to focus on what’s best for their client, rather than for the family as a whole. Whilst the solicitor will always do their best to give you the most objective advice possible, don’t forget they are only doing so based on hearing one side of the story – yours. This can lead to one party developing unrealistic expectations, which can cause the entire divorce process to slow and, as is sadly often the case, become confrontational.
Think what other non-legal advice you may need to move forward. What about counselling? Do you need specific co-parenting advice as to how you’re going to manage arrangements for your children in the future. Financial advice can be very helpful, where you need help with budgeting, or understanding pensions.
3. Focus on how you’re going to solve the problem of divorce, rather than who is to blame
Divorce is an inherently emotional event. But if you want to get through a divorce amicably and swiftly, try to consider how you might resolve things fairly for each of you – after all, if you end up in court, that is what a judge will do. Try to think of divorce as a shared problem, rather than someone’s fault.
The time will come when you will want some legal advice. Take time to research the different options out there before you chose your lawyers, and make sure that whoever you choose shares your values. Consider taking legal advice together, for example from The Divorce Surgery’s ‘One Couple One Lawyer’ service. That way, you can save money and time, and gain an equal understanding of what would be fair. Understand how the law works when it comes to divorce. This will help you both better manage your expectations and helps to avoid lengthy legal proceedings.
Remember, every case is different but the court will consider:
- Children’s welfare
- Each party’s financial resources and earning capacity
- Financial needs
- Contributions made to the welfare of the family (both financial and non-financial)
- Length of marriage
- Age and health
- How you have each ‘behaved’ is very unlikely to matter
4. Focus on the future
If one party in a relationship is unhappy and raises the topic of divorce, there’s a good chance they’ve already made their mind up. Ultimately, the task is to look to the future and to resolve the practical issues which will confront you. Take whatever emotional support you need along the way. Divorce is a routine fact of life for so many these days (42% of UK marriages end that way) so remember – you are far from alone.
Language is really important. If you have children, try to think of each other not as ‘exes’ but as ‘co-parents’. At the end of the day, even though you are divorcing amicably, your responsibilities towards your children don’t change. Your marriage has not ‘failed’ but has run its course. Give yourself permission to recognise the aspects of your relationship which were successful and happy. It does not have to be defined by its ending. If you do this, your ability to embrace the future will be greatly enhanced.
Final thoughts
If you’ve been wondering how to get through a divorce amicably, we hope these tips will give you some food for thought. Divorce proceedings don’t have to be messy, adversarial and costly. This is especially important if there are any children involved. With the right support, you and your partner can have an amicable divorce. Reducing conflict, saving time, cutting costs.
If you have more questions about this topic or any other legal issues arising on divorce or separation, please do get in touch as we are always happy to help. You can call us on 0203 488 4475 or email contact@thedivorcesurgery.co.
Author Name: Editor
Published content by The Divorce Surgery Editorial Team.
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