How to Manage the Festive Season if you’re Facing Divorce
Christmas, and many other festive periods, can be overwhelming at the best of times. There is so much expectation that this will be a ‘perfect’ family time, when in fact it can be dominated by high maintenance in-laws, sugar-high children and endless culinary demands.
Let us not forget, of course, that this year we have a global pandemic to add to that list.
However, for those couples thinking of separating, or going through the divorce process, Christmas and other festive periods bring additional pressures. I have spent my career working with divorcing spouses, and through The Divorce Surgery, with divorcing couples, and know well the anxiety that the first Christmas following separation can bring. Here are a few tips to help you, as a family, navigate it successfully:
1. You are still a family, just re-shaped
Please don’t buy into the narrative that the ‘gold standard’ is a nuclear family, wearing matching Christmas jumpers, sitting together round a fire. If you have children, please know that divorce does not damage children. Being caught up in the adult conflict through a bad divorce, or a bad marriage, is what causes children, and adults, harm. You continue to have all the skills and parenting capacity you have had throughout your children’s lives.
This Christmas can still be a huge success, and in fact could be much more fun than last Christmas, if at that stage tensions were beginning to show. Ditch the guilt, or any assumption that this will be a worse Christmas for the children. It really doesn’t need to be. Your family is still a family, just re-shaped.
2. Make a plan
If you have children, make a plan which goes much deeper than simply dividing up the time. Think about what it is which makes Christmas special in their eyes. Are there any family traditions you can keep? Can you cooperate together on aspects where, from a practical perspective, it would be easiest to work together, for example buying the tree or putting up the Christmas lights? What new traditions can you now put in place?
Keep each other in the loop as to both your plans, so you can talk to the children about what they will be doing with the other parent. Normalise this for them, because it is normal- 42% of marriages end in divorce so plenty of their peers will no doubt have separated parents. Take the drama away, and remember you are modelling behaviour for how your children will navigate conflict in years to come.
If you don’t have children, again think about your plan. Are there family members or friends you can spend the day with? Are you relishing the chance to have your own company? If the separation was not your choice, Christmas can be a gremlin in the calendar. Try if you can to put a support network in place to get you through the day.
3. Be kind to each other, and yourselves
This may well be a hard Christmas. Allow yourself the permission to feel that. Remember, even if this separation and divorce was not your choice, you can choose how you approach it. It is easier to turn against each other, but in the longer term the resulting conflict will make the divorce so much harder to navigate, for you and any children, and will also be harder to live with in the long run.
If the separation was your choice, and perhaps you feel excited about Christmas in a way you haven’t for many years, allow yourself to be happy but in a way which is respectful to your ex-spouse. Show empathy. Think about the parts of the run-up or day itself which they may find hardest and suggest ways you can help. Send messages of support. Remember, choosing to marry someone is a huge commitment. When you have children you will be co-parents for life. You owe it to each other to navigate the divorce with respect and dignity.
If you can both find a way to leave this relationship fairly and with decency, you will not let the ending contaminate everything which went before. Unless you are very unlucky, you will have made many happy memories together. Take care to preserve them.
4. Park the legal issues
If you have already begun the divorce process, or, unluckily for you, are in the midst of Court proceedings, this can seem like a big ask. However, in my view, it is vital. Divorce, and particularly divorce litigation, can be completely all-consuming. It devours couples and leaves them oftentimes unable to communicate directly or deal with even the most trivial issue without solicitors’ correspondence flying to and fro.
If there is an issue of safety, then, of course, get your lawyer involved. But for the vast majority of families going through separation, there is no reason at all not to give yourselves, and your children, a two-week brain nap. You are perfectly entitled to agree between yourselves, and instruct your solicitors, not to communicate with each other over the period.
At The Divorce Surgery, we always suggest our couples have a complete break for two weeks over the festive period. You will find the break restorative and that it gives welcome perspective on the issues between you, and what is needed to bridge the gaps.
5. Treat yourself
There is a particular joy which comes from choosing your own Christmas present. Embrace it. Don’t look mournfully at the gap under the tree, or expect your children to get you something you actually want (they won’t). Rather, make this year the one year you buy a present for you. You’re doing great, and surely deserve one.
If you have more questions about this topic or any other legal issues arising on divorce or separation, please do get in touch as we are always happy to help. You can call us on 0203 488 4475 or email contact@thedivorcesurgery.co.
Author Name: Editor
Published content by The Divorce Surgery Editorial Team.
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