Divorce is often painted as a battle—two opposing sides, each fighting to “win.” But for many couples, this adversarial approach doesn’t align with their goals. They want to part amicably, protect their mental health, and prioritise their children’s well-being. That’s where Mel Robbins’ “Let Them” Theory can be transformative.

This philosophy encourages individuals to release control over others’ actions and focus on their own emotional resilience. Applied to divorce, it empowers separating couples to approach their separation with empathy, calm, and mutual respect. In this blog, we’ll explore how using the “Let Them” mindset can lead to a healthier, less stressful divorce process and why  The Divorce Surgery’s shared-lawyer model aligns perfectly with this approach.

What Is the Mel Robbins “Let Them” Theory?

Mel Robbins, a bestselling author and motivational speaker, developed the “Let Them” Theory as a way to reduce stress and frustration in relationships. The concept is simple: instead of trying to control or change other people’s behaviour, you “let them” make their own decisions. This frees you from the burden of micromanaging others and creates space for healthier, more peaceful interactions.

In Robbins’ words, it’s about accepting what you cannot control and focusing on what you can—your own reactions and choices. This idea is particularly powerful during divorce, a time when emotions run high, and conflicts can escalate quickly if not managed thoughtfully.

Applying the “Let Them” Theory to Divorce

When couples choose an amicable separation, they’re already stepping outside the traditional divorce narrative. They’re committing to mutual respect and collaboration. But even with the best intentions, it’s easy to fall into patterns of blame, resentment, or frustration when disagreements arise.

Here’s how the “Let Them” Theory can help divorcing couples navigate common challenges:

1. Accepting Emotional Differences

Divorce is an emotional process, and each person experiences it differently. One partner might grieve the end of the marriage while the other feels relief. These emotional differences can cause friction, especially if one partner expects the other to process the separation in the same way.

The “Let Them” mindset encourages couples to respect each other’s emotional journeys. Instead of trying to control how your partner feels or reacts, you can focus on maintaining empathy and understanding.

2. Reducing Co-Parenting Angst

For couples with children, co-parenting can be one of the most challenging aspects of divorce. Differing parenting styles or communication breakdowns can create tension.

By adopting the “Let Them” mindset, you can accept that your co-parent may not handle situations exactly as you would. Ask yourself:

• Is this disagreement truly harmful to my child?
• Or is it simply a matter of differing approaches?

When you let your ex-partner take the lead on their parenting time, you create space for mutual respect and cooperation. This not only reduces stress for both parents but also provides a more stable, conflict-free environment for your children.

3. Avoiding Unnecessary Conflict

One of the most common pitfalls of divorce is trying to change your ex-partner’s behaviour. For example:

• You may feel frustrated if they’re not processing the separation the same way you are.
• You might disagree with how they handle co-parenting decisions.
• Or you may hold onto resentment over past actions.

The “Let Them” Theory reminds you that you cannot control how your ex thinks, feels, or acts. By letting them behave in their way (even if you don’t agree), you conserve energy and avoid escalating conflicts.

Instead, focus on your own actions. Ask yourself: How can I show up with integrity? What can I do to make the process smoother? What do I need? Remember ‘Let Them’ goes both ways: what kindness do you need to let yourself receive?

4. Letting Go of the Past

Divorce often brings unresolved resentment to the surface. Past hurts and disappointments can cloud judgment and make it harder to move forward.

The “Let Them” Theory encourages you to let go of expectations that your ex-partner will act in a certain way or apologise for past mistakes. Instead, focus on what you can control: your healing, your boundaries, and your future.

This shift in mindset allows you to approach your divorce as an opportunity for growth and self-discovery rather than a battle to be won.

Why the “Let Them” Theory Aligns with The Divorce Surgery

At The Divorce Surgery, we believe that divorce doesn’t have to be adversarial. Our shared-lawyer model is designed for couples who want to separate amicably, efficiently, and fairly. Instead of hiring separate lawyers and pitting them against each other, you work together with one legal expert to reach a solution that works for both of you.

Here’s how the “Let Them” Theory aligns with our approach:

• Focus on collaboration, not control: Just as the “Let Them” mindset encourages acceptance, our shared-lawyer model fosters cooperation. It’s not about “winning” but about finding out what’s legally fair for you both and your family as a whole.
• Encourage mutual respect: By sharing one lawyer, you inherently commit to treating each other with respect and dignity, aligning with the values of the “Let Them” philosophy.
• Save time, money, and stress: Like the “Let Them” Theory, our approach reduces unnecessary conflict, streamlining the process so you can move on more quickly and with less emotional strain.

Practical Ways to Apply the “Let Them” Theory During Divorce

1. Set Boundaries

Letting your ex make their own choices doesn’t mean tolerating disrespect or harmful behaviour. Establish clear boundaries about what is and isn’t acceptable, and communicate them calmly.

2. Stay Present

Divorce can be overwhelming, but mindfulness can help you stay grounded. Focus on what matters most—your well-being, your children, and the future you’re building.

3. Seek Professional Support

The divorce process is emotional, and it’s okay to seek help. A therapist, coach, or mediator can help you navigate your feelings and keep you focused on your goals. When it comes to the division of your finances, remember this is a legal process. Get legal advice, but be sure to choose a lawyer and a process which aligns with your values.

Final Thoughts

Divorce doesn’t have to be a battleground. By adopting Mel Robbins’ “Let Them” Theory, you can approach your separation with empathy, self-awareness, and respect. This philosophy not only reduces conflict but also helps you focus on what truly matters: creating a healthy future for yourself and your family.